Some thoughts on motherhood.

This is just going to be a random thought post today. I had a bunch of them yesterday and really wanted to write them down before I forgot them. Ya that didn't happen so I am hoping I can get some of them back as I reflect on my 15 months of being a mother. Oh and side note time goes by WAY to fast!

So yesterday I was thinking about a time I was asked to talk on mothers day. I really didn't feel as though I was a very good candidate for the job. 1st off I was not a mother (I was a missionary) 2ND I really missed my mother that day. And well I was getting a lot better at talking, but was totally NOT prepared to talk about something I didn't really know a lot about. Sure I had a mother. A very awesome mother and for some reason I had a lot of ladies that wanted to act as my mother since she wasn't there. But that definitely didn't help me with my talk. It was a total of 5 Min's long. And I was the last speaker. And my wonderful companion (I won't mention names hmmm Amy) left me with like 30 Min's. Thankfully the branch president was leaving so that left him with plenty of time to say good bye.

However, unprepared I was back then I think I could say a lot about it now! I'm not saying I'm an expert on being a mother. In fact I wouldn't even claim that I am a very good mother. Nope I wouldn't even talk about what you need to do to be a good mother. That varies per child and family. I would talk about the trials of mother hood. I think I'm pretty good at that. Complaining! Right!?!?

I was brought into a rude awakening of what mothers are all about. No one tells you a lot of things about mothers and how hard it is. I am sure a lot of them are a bit tmi type of things and therefore I won't mention them. Oh wait would that be fair to future mothers though? I mean I really wish there were somethings people would have told me. And you know maybe someone did mention them but you just don't know till you experience it. I never knew our first night home with Pj would be so hard. I didn't know we would be up with him till 6am. Him screaming every time I put him down. (I finally caved and made Jordan go buy a bottle) Yep and then I felt like a horrible mother cause I enjoyed 4 hrs of blissful sleep cause I fed my baby formula. Yep and wouldn't you know it I got criticized for that. I'm sure a lot more than I thought. (You know how people talk.)

I had no idea how funny it would be to watch my son projectile (sp?) poop all over Jordan. I still to this day laugh at it. But didn't find it funny at all when he did the same to me. Or peed all over me. Or vomited all over me. I thought it would end when he stopped with the formula. Nope even now when he gets sick I am his most favorite person to throw up on. Oh and shall we talk about lack of sleep. Jordan will tell you how I get when I don't have enough sleep. I call it crazy, he calls it something far nicer than that. I just can't remember what that is. (Memory loss is another wonderful thing you get from being a mother, I'm convinced it is anyway) So about this sleep thing. You know how they tell you to sleep when baby does. Well they forget to tell you all the feelings that you are having how you just want to hold your baby all the time. And how your mind just doesn't shut off. So sleeping when he does didn't ever really seem like an option. There is the dishes, and laundry, and cleaning, and catching up on all your Internet sites (you know you need time for you right?) And then you are trying to sort out all these feelings! Hmmmmm there are a lot of depressive feelings (ppd, a moms best friend) happy feelings, and some that there just aren't words for.

I think I have complained about motherhood enough. Yep I do know that it is very hard. And that there are women who have it much harder. Just spending two days in the hospital with Pj was a horrible experience. I can't even imagine what other mothers experience. (I'm not asking for that experience either) I'm actually hoping that I have plenty to learn from the normal mother experiences and not have to go into the really hard ones EVER! I admire the women who experience such hard things and have such faith in God. I lack a lot of faith and am hoping that I can work on that more and more everyday.

OK so I didn't really spend all that time thinking about how hard it is to be a mother. I don't really have to think about it I just feel it. That doesn't even make sense I'm sure. I can only say that it is a feeling I get when I think of how hard it is to be a mom. Sometimes I imagine it like it would appear in a movie. Just a flash of memories. I see a clip of each of those moments that I mentioned about in my head. Its a lot better this way. Cause I don't really have those overwhelmed feelings I did about it then. I feel... well feelings just don't have words. But a smile comes over my face. "A smile?" you think. Why on earth would she be smiling. It really sounds like she hated those moments. Actually it really sounded like she hates being a mother. I didn't mention HATE in any of those previous words how on earth could you think that? Oh I guess that is the idea that complaining puts into our heads. I don't hate being a mother at all. I can still remember (not so well, I was a bit, OK a lot groggy) when Jordan (yes Jordan, not a nurse)(OK I'll admit it, I didn't remember that it was Jordan) gave Pj to me after coming to from that wonderful surgery (I call it wonderful cause it gave me something I will cherish always, a scare (sp?), OK OK Parker, it was Parker)OK where was I. Oh yes baby in my arms. I'm sure I would have cried had I not been so out of it. The tears were not there but the feelings were. (Once again, curse this language with no words for feelings.) I remember those "feelings" when I tried my hardest to stay awake when people came to visit. I SOOOOO wanted to be apart of that and hear all the wonderful things they said about my wonderful boy. I remember just wanting to be near him every second of every day. I now realize that isn't possible and I have to let go of my boy way more than I would like (sometimes I will admit laying him down for his nap is the best time of the day, but that doesn't make me a bad mom, right?)

All those feelings of frustration and guilt completely melt away when I see my son smile or laugh. When he gives me a hug, or kiss. When I saw him walk for the first time. When he says momma. When he reaches for me from his crib in the morning or after a nap. When he just wants me. And sadly when I am leaving and he gets a bit sad. (that makes it hard to leave but it makes me feel great) all these things make me feel so loved. Oh and one of my new favorite memories is when he was giving me my mothers day card yesterday. Walking in the dinning room on his knees with this card. (that I'm sure he just wanted to rip to shreds) These may seem like just little things. But they bring emotions to my heart that I will never ever be able to explain. (I'm hoping when we get to heaven we know a language much better than this, that has words to express feelings and emotions) A lot of times they bring tears to my eyes when I think of them. ( I know what Jordan is thinking "Please no more tears!") But rest assured these are tears of joy.

And I like to think that all these hard times as a mother is bringing me closer to God. Maybe not at that moment, cause I'll admit in my head I am saying some bad words (I'm working on that one) But after, when the storm has passed and I have time to reflect on the experience. When I have time to think about what I did well and what I could have done better. Its always when I look back, I see God's hand leading me and guiding me to get through it all. I am much better at laughing and smiling my way through one of Parker's tempter tantrums than I ever have been. You have to admit its a funny thing to watch at times. I am getting more patient when Pj wakes up in the middle of the night. Although it still kills me a little bit to listen to him cry it out. All I want to do is to just love him and rock him till he is asleep. But then I'm no good the next morning. Cause I learned it takes him a lot longer to go back to sleep if I rock him than him crying for 5 min or so. And then he always does it the next night to. Except when I let him cry. The next night almost always goes a lot better. I've learned that when I get frustrated I just need to take a step back and take a deep breath. Maybe even think what can I learn from this? Becoming a mother has helped me to realize how much I need god in my life, and how much he really does support me.

Being a mother is the best thing in the world and I wouldn't trade it for anything! I am looking forward to all the things I will learn, and especially all those kisses and hugs (no matter how slobbery they are). I may not be looking forward to the lack of sleep and the craziness it brings but if that's what I gotta do to have such wonderful people in my life I will do it over and over again. I really do love being a mom!